My Meltdown
by Aizaki
Summary: Things weren't always this way...before we turned 14 you and I were inseparable. Do you remember that? But then you moved out, you stopped talking to me. I was a wreck and you were you. And I can't survive without you.


A/N: So, backstory time, I got Project Diva f 2nd for Christmas and have basically been playing non-stop, right? Well everyone should know Rin's song "Meltdown" which is about her dreaming of jumping into a reactor and essentially destroying herself and- in her mind- saving the world. Some people say she actually committed suicide, but it's never really revealed in the song. So this is my version, hope you enjoy.

~Meltdown~

I thought when we turned 14, everything would somehow manage to magically stay the same.  
>That when we blew out the candles the wish we made would be followed through with and nothing would change...<p>

But here we are, sitting on complete opposite sides of the couch that where we used to cuddle with each other. You won't even look at me now, even though I've been staring at you for as long as you've been sitting here.

Let's not even talk about the fact that you haven't really talked to me since you decided you needed your own room.

And moved out.

Took everything we had in _our_ room and pushed whatever you could into yours.  
>I want to tell you that I haven't added back any pictures since you took them all. And my bookshelves still look empty without all of your geek books stacked next to my trashy, hundred-yen romance novels.<p>

But it doesn't really matter, does it?

What I really want to do is asking you why you lied to me.  
>Why did you tell me nothing would change?<p>

But I can't. And I won't- because I'm stubborn, y'know.

It doesn't help that you don't read my emotions well either- even well they're clearly splayed across my face.

And then you're texting someone- probably Miku, which is another thing I really need to talk to you about- and before the show you're watching even gets to commercial you're up off the couch and heading to the door.

"Tell mom and dad I'm out if they ask."

"Yeah." _Be safe. Text me if you need anything. Don't drink so much this time, please. Use a condom._

I want to tell you all of those things- even if I know you won't listen, even if all I'll get is a pity laugh- but I can't.

It'd be a waste of breath.

And then you're gone.

And just like that, it's silent. And all I can hear is the ticking of the clock somewhere in my head.

~._-_-_-_-_.~

The candles were blown out, and we were both smiling like the little kids we were-

_are-_

_were-_

_a-_

_we-_

_re-_

**_were_**.

I hate admitting these kinds of things, you know.

Usually, blowing out a candle leads to everything going dark. And I guess it did, in a sense, didn't it?

Representing the ending of our younger selves and us becoming young adults- teenagers- and all of that other crap.

What we- I- didn't realize was that it would all end so quickly.

I walked into our room the next day and there you were- your blonde hair no longer tied up and in a short, very fitting, traditional "boy's" cut-

"What did you do to your hair?" _It's shorter than mine now...we look different now._

"I went and got a hair cut. Decided to try something different this time." You didn't look up at me when you answered and the silence that passed over us was unusual...

And then I noticed that the pictures on our desk were gone. And then there were a few gaps on our bookshelf. And the closet was open, showing the space where your futon used to be.

Weird.

"What're you doing anyway?" I kneeled down next to you and frowned when you scooted away. _I don't have cooties, weirdo._

"Moving my stuff to my room."

It bothered me that you still didn't look at me. There was something way too different about all of this.

"This _is_ your room..." _Hellllloooo! You've been in here with me since we were born!_

"No, this is your room, now. Mom and Dad said we could have separate rooms if we wanted to. So I'm taking the guest room down the hall."

"Oh." _If **we** wanted too...and I don't want you to._

You always were terrible at completely paying attention. It's a wonder you hadn't failed any classes. But then again, I guess it's a wonder that I _had_.

"Do you need any help?"

"No, I've got it." And then you stood up and walked out with clothes stacked on top of you and all of your posters rolled all neatly in your hand.

Two more trips and no trace was left of you in our room.

And you were gone.

And somehow, it all started when we blew out the candle-

_And you snuffed me out_.

~._-_-_-_-_.~

I wake up and the TV's off.

It's dark. I could easily get up and turn on the light, but then everything'd be ruined.

Mom and Dad would know that I'm awake. They'd remember that they had a daughter. And then I'd ruin their night, most likely.

Thankfully, I don't need to turn on anything to see the time- the cable box tells me everything I need.

It's 2AM. I should go to bed.

So I get up, I start walking and go past our front door- your shoes still aren't there and to be honest I wasn't really expecting anything else.

It's 2AM. We should be in bed.

You probably won't be back until 5 or 6 at the earliest.

Wonder what excuse you'll come up with this time.

I walk past Mom and Dad's room, and you know how you can hear them snoring and based on that you can see if you can sneak out or not?  
>You could hear something, very faint, very soft, if you went past. Sounding somewhat like what I would hear when I walked past the bathroom too early in the morning when you had just gotten over your hangovers or when I'd walk past your room while doing my laundry at midnight.<p>

I'd rather not remember things like that, truly. But I suppose, like my body, my brain doesn't always care to protect me and follow what I'd like it to do...

Walking up the stairs and to our room, it's hard not to feel a bit hollow-

Almost like a lighter running out of oil.

Though that's a bit of a weird simile, huh?

But it's true.  
>I know you won't be there, probably asleep until I open the door and you wake up just enough to irritatedly ask me what I was doing up so late.<br>I know you won't be there if I have a bad dream.

And I feel hollow.  
>It's almost as if I don't exist without you, <em>can't <em>exist without you.

The stairs seem to groan ever so slightly in agreement as I reach the landing and turn to the right, opening our door and slipping in between the door and the frame, making as small of a crack as possible.

It's not like I need much more when I'm "as thin as a rail" with a chest "as flat as a tabletop".

Changing my clothes, I know I can't fall back asleep until I hear or see you come back. So I sit in our window sill and watch the road even as the sun starts to rise.

You finally come back home at around 5. And seeing you walk up the sidewalk I know you're drunk.

I'd go down to help, but I think I'm content to not be hit again.

I don't know if you knew this, but you're a mean drunk. Meaner than Dad after he got fired and drank. Meaner than that lady who chased us out of her yard and threw her sake bottle at us in her drunken stupor.

I'm sorry I'm a needy little bitch.

So once I hear the door open and close, I crawl into bed and turn away from the door, holding my breath and willing myself back to sleep.

But, like I said, I can't sleep.  
>You're not here to chase the bad dreams away.<p>

_They're so much scarier when you're not around._

~._-_-_-_-_.~

I haven't been out of the house in a while.

I haven't been in the city for... a while.

You know it's weird for me to go out, and I'm sure you're surprised I actually left and did something.

I saw the shock on your face at breakfast.

Note: When you're not eating, you see more things. Some are good and some are... not so good. You also realize then that Dad's been reading the same newspaper for the past year.

But apparently Luka and Meiko decided I needed to get out and "update my 'little girl' outfits". Of course, I'm sure you read all of that over my shoulder in the car.

Don't try and deny it, my spidey senses were tingling.

But next time you're out, look at the lights on the sidewalk-

It might seem stupid, but just look at them, even if they're bug stained and a little worn down.

Look at the way it ebbs and flows ever so gently, moving like a colorful ocean's wave.  
>But maybe it's just the rain that makes it more noticeable...<p>

We took the bus in and traffic was awful with the rain. It took over 2 hours for us to even get to our stop and then it was another half hour before we even got to the shopping complex.

I'd rather not bore you with all the details of them dragging me from store to store. And I'm sure you have no interest in what I bought- it's not likely you'll ever see any of it anyway.

Unless you're being a pervert.

Which would not be unusual.

It's still raining when we get back on the bus and are headed back home. I'm sure you understand how tiring shopping really is, especially when you really don't want to do it in the first place.

And so I fell asleep, with the rain pouring down the grey-tinted window and the hum of the bus's engine lulling me to sleep.

_I wouldn't have to rely on a bus if you were here._

~._-_-_-_-_.~

My vision was hazy, like when you look at cars in the summer and you can see the heat rolling in waves off the metal surface. I was only seeing in waves.

I was just tired, I needed to go back to sleep. But I couldn't.

It was too bright in the noon sun. Just a bit too hot

But quiet.

And then, out of my haze I saw _them_.

Dressed all in white, with their blonde hair swaying and bobbing as they ran. The girl was wearing a frilly, knee-length dress and when she ran by me I could see she was holding a pristinely colored white bow in her small, pale hand.

There was a boy who followed after her- his own blonde hair was up in a ponytail and his bangs were swept up from the wind.

I began to run after them the only sound being that of my shoes hitting the asphalt. When I began to catch up, the two cut into an alley and I continued to run after them, steadily catching up to the little girl in front.

Once I passed the boy, he disappeared. I never saw him again in any of my dreams.

He never talked to the girl and never said anything to me.

But once he was gone, the girl slowed her pace and ran into a gazebo, allowing me to catch up.

It was almost as if someone pressed the skip button on a cut-scene in a game and before I knew what I was doing, my knee was pressed up against her small chest, pinning her to the wooden floorboards while my hands encased themselves around her small porcelain neck.

Without looking too hard you could see the fear in her misty blue eyes and could see the jumping of her pulse in her neck.

My grip tightened around that fragile neck and I squeezed, my own breath catching in my lungs as I did so.

One of her soft, pale hands reached up towards me and touched my cheek. She was saying something, I wasn't putting enough pressure on her neck and she was trying to say something.

And then, as I stared at her with her golden hair splayed out on the wood and her innocent, unscathed face, the floorboards swallowed the both of us and threw us into the ocean.

Salt-water burned its way down my throat as I sank deeper and deeper into the ocean's abyss. Watching in a panicked frenzy as the girl floated above me, soaking in the sun.

_I was bound to drown at some point._

~._-_-_-_-_.~

"Oi! Come on, girl, this is our stop unless you want to take another hour long drive back to the city." Luka's shaking my shoulder while Meiko's already out the window and waiting impatiently for us to get off.

Luka manages to remind me to grab my bags before I take off without them and when we step off the bus quickly pulls away from the stop and heads back towards the city while we begin walking home.

They dropped me off at the gate and Luka stayed behind until she's sure I'm able to get in the house.

Unfortunately, I was able.

The only unfortunate part is that you were home and on the couch. Which wouldn't have been so bad if cigarette smoke wasn't lingering in the air and there weren't cans of soda and alcohol practically covering the floor.

Like I said before, you're a mean drunk. Even those soft, easy-going features of yours turn mean when you've had just enough to drink.

Today was no different. I'm surprised you weren't praying to the Gods that mom and Dad wouldn't come home.

Better yet, those friend's of yours were over.

I walked up the stairs as fast as I could with my bags and slipped into my room. But, as you know, these walls as almost paper thin and I heard everything.

How nice my ass is.  
>How I'm really just a huge bitch.<br>How you think I'd be better as a drunkard.

They asked if you thought I was easy.

I won't tell you your response, because you already know it.

You said a lot of things that night, didn't you?

And maybe you meant them, maybe you didn't.

As a girl who has no feelings, I truly can't care.

But for a girl who has no feelings, I remember crying a lot that night.

Once you were passed out on the couch, I ran.

Down the stairs and out of the house without even bothering to put on shoes. The moon was just beginning to rise and I ran towards it, pushing my legs and feet as fast and as hard as they could go.

Even when I stubbed my toe on a grate. Even when I twisted my ankle because I stepped on a rock.

I ran until I could see the moon illuminating the ocean in a pale, milky blue light.  
>I ran until I could see it illuminating the island just a 30 minute ferry boat away from us.<p>

Until I could see it reflecting off the pristine, grey metal of the reactor protruding from that island.

Something I'd always wondered about was why we decided to move so close to a nuclear plant. Even today I'm questioning it...

But I'm sure when it blows up, it will look as pretty as it did then.

I could jump in just right before it exploded, and maybe it'd envelope me in its warm light.

_Maybe I should just go and jump in it now._

~._-_-_-_-_.~

It's been a few days since I last slept. Like, really slept.

It's weird how it's giving me a rush. It's even weirder than mom and Dad have magically decided that they need to intervene with my schedule, telling me that I need to eat or that I need to sleep.

But I just can't focus on anything. Not with that _girl_ running through my brain.  
>I know I need to shower, but somehow it gives me just a little bit of a rush when you finally notice me- even if I do smell like 3 day old food left out to spoil.<p>

I feel a bit like it too...

I know you saw me frown when I promised our parents that I would shower. And, don't worry, I noticed your smirk when they told you to make sure I did it.

_I'm not a child you know_.

But they left and so did you shortly after.  
>Like you always do.<p>

Miku came over looking for you.

I told her you weren't home and she came in anyway.

But I'm sure by the time I was in the shower she had left- you might want to call her, she seemed a bit freaked out.

I remember getting into the shower and leaning my head against the wall, relishing in the almost scalding water enveloping me and turning my skin red.

And then she started running around again, chasing something and screeching playfully, disrupting my sleep like she always does.

I realized that if I killed her, I could sleep. Or maybe if I hurt her just enough, she'd learn her lesson and leave me alone!

I followed that little girl all the way to a house on the ocean's edge where you could look out of the window covered curtains and see the reflection of the nuclear plant in the distance, looming like a vulture over its prey.

I tackled her to the floor, ignoring the faint crack echoing through the house's empty halls as her head hit the hard, marble flooring.

She didn't bleed oddly enough, I wish she had though.

I wish I could dirty and bloody up that entire white dress and mar that beautiful porcelain skin and watch her decay.

My bony hands pushed themselves against her throat and my tough, cold fingers intertwined themselves together tightly, despite the effort it was taking to do so.

My hands tighten, wringing the girl's neck like it was a wet rag. But no matter what I do, she keeps screaming, her words floating from her perfect little mouth and popping like annoying little bubbles in my head.

"Stop it! You're hurting me!"

I know it's all in my head.

All of it.

Get

Out

Get OUT!

**GET OUT!**

But she always keeps screaming-

The little brat.

It's getting harder for me to breathe, but I can hear her voice softening.

The bubbles aren't popping as loud, she's lowering her voice

Softly.

Until it's gone.

Like you.

I can feel the tears starting up as she stares at me- her warm blue eyes fading and turning into a dull, almost lifeless gray.

But her chest is still moving.

I want

HER

Gone!

My hands tighten around her weak little neck and I can feel her fainting pulse under my thumbs.

My legs are trembling, trying to hold her thrashing body underneath me, and the heels I'm wearing are digging into the underneath portion of my thigh.

My chest hurts, my heart is clenching and rolling itself up into a ball it seems. At least I know I have one.  
>My eyes hurt, I haven't slept and the tears sting my eyes and make me feel like someone's poking them with a hot iron.<br>At least I know I can feel.  
>My stomach hurts, you know I haven't eaten in a few days. But at least I'm not fat anymore.<p>

"I just want to sleep, peacefully. Without you running around, okay!"

She can't answer me. Her chest has stopped moving.

My gloved hands sink back to the ground, and the tears are now rolling hotly down my cheek.

It's quiet. In my head, in my body...

It's finally quiet.

And I'm breathing hard, leaning the palms of my hand onto the floor and then resting my head on the cool, marble surface.

But I when I lay my cheek down, it meets instead with the rough scratchiness of the carpet.

_Our_ carpet.

_In our room._

My hands aren't gloved.  
>You can see everything on that pretty little neck.<p>

Water is dripping from my hair and my face, darkening her clothes and splattering in little puddles across her exposed skin and frozen face.

Her hair isn't blonde-  
>It's not short<p>

She's not me.

_She's not me._

_But I didn't kill her!_

_ I didn't mean to kill her!_

It's still late. And you're not home yet.  
>And Miku is-<p>

She came over earlier today. I told her you weren't home. She left.

She's alright.

I made you coffee.  
>It's on the counter.<p>

You should probably drink it after reading this. You might need to reheat it.

I won't be home for... a while.  
>If mom and dad ask, I'm out.<p>

If you have any sudden urge to get a hold of me, you can look in my room-

permission granted and all of that jazz, alright?

Hopefully we'll see each other again...  
>At some time or another. And maybe then I won't be all of those things you said I was.<p>

Goodbye, Len.

- Rin


End file.
